GOVERNMENTS around the world today stressed that just because they are trying to crush Wikileaks to death, it does not necessarily mean that you will be next.
You're going to be just fine
Important officials in fancy offices in grand capital cities said the only reason they are erasing the whistleblowing site from existence and trying to arrest its spokesman on some trumped-up rape charge was because it had done some things they didn't particularly like.
One government spokesman said: "We know that you wouldn't do that. Sure, you might get upset about budget cuts, but that's all part of the everyday rough and tumble. It's not like you are engaged in a relentless campaign to expose us as liars, cheats and murderers.
"No, as far as you're concerned everything is going to be just fine. As long as you just keep watching television.
"Of course at some point we may have to step in and decide exactly which television programmes you're allowed to watch, but again, it's really nothing for you to get all worked up about.
"Especially with your diabetes and your high blood pressure."
He added: "No, you'll be just fine with it, and of course if you weren't, then we would just switch you off as easily as pressing the stand-by button on your remote control. But that's obviously not going to happen to you. For goodness sake, why on earth would it?
"So we're agreed then - everything's cool and that man that we're beating to death in the corner of the room is just some smart-alec with a horrible website - probably with photos of children on it - that could very easily have killed you. Good.
"Anyway, I think that's the second half of Loose Women coming on, so I'll let you get back to it.
"Sorry to have bothered you."
From the Daily Mash